I got out of bed today, took a little stroll on crutches to the kitchen. I haven't been to the kitchen in 2 weeks! The room where I have spent so many hours each day has become like a stranger to me. My kitchen was not as I left it. Dishes have found new homes, shelves are arranged differently. It is another piece of evidence that I am not active in my usual role around here. I love taking care of my family. I love cooking and planning meals, keeping everything in a specific order, having control over my position in our home. But I am not in control.
There have been many people this past two weeks who have taken over my kitchen - washing dishes, cleaning, cooking, doing all the things that happen in a kitchen. Those people have also done the laundry, swept and mopped, taken care of all the things necessary to make a house run. I am being cared for so well. I have every single need tended to and not the slightest need to lift a finger. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, being waited on hand and foot... every hard working mama's dream at some point in time. There have been so many times during the past year when I have wanted a vacation, a break from the demands of running a home and caring for such a huge family. I have wanted to retreat to a quiet place where I could relax and stop worrying about the thousands of details that must be sorted out daily... and now I have been given that. It's not what I thought it would look like.
One of the hardest lessons I am learning in this time is to allow myself to be cared for. I have spent the last decade of my life caring for others. It is who I am. I thrive when put in difficult situations, loving the helpless, serving the "least of these". It is the life of ministry - especially to orphans and vulnerable children. On my most stressful days, I have always found joy in taking food to the starving children in the street, or taking medicine to clean their wounds, a needle and thread to mend their tattered clothing. I am a servant... I want to be a servant. How difficult it is for a servant to accept the service of others. It is hard to accept the care of others. But what a tremendous blessing it is to be cared for. I am thankful for all of the children who accept my care.
I am left to reflect on the satisfaction and value I feel when caring for others. To try and maintain control is to deprive others of the joy of serving. My husband has not complained once about the added demands to his life this past few weeks. By my giving up control and acknowledging my weakened state, he gets to experience the joy of caring for me. There will be a day when I can walk again without any pain - I will be able to carry baby Joseph, I will be able to make bricks and build cow sheds, plant seeds in my garden, cook and clean and... heck, even get dressed without help. But that time is not yet here.
Each day I choose to give up control or at least my perceived control... obviously I am not the boss of things - this accident demonstrates all to clearly that I was not in control. But as humans we love to cling to the idea of control. Life takes us on many journeys that we would not always have planned to take. But there are lessons to be learned, and joys to be had on those paths. We must open our eyes and put down our stubborn ways so that we can be fed and cared for in each season of our lives. So today I give up my control. And tomorrow I pray to do the same.
There have been many people this past two weeks who have taken over my kitchen - washing dishes, cleaning, cooking, doing all the things that happen in a kitchen. Those people have also done the laundry, swept and mopped, taken care of all the things necessary to make a house run. I am being cared for so well. I have every single need tended to and not the slightest need to lift a finger. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, being waited on hand and foot... every hard working mama's dream at some point in time. There have been so many times during the past year when I have wanted a vacation, a break from the demands of running a home and caring for such a huge family. I have wanted to retreat to a quiet place where I could relax and stop worrying about the thousands of details that must be sorted out daily... and now I have been given that. It's not what I thought it would look like.
One of the hardest lessons I am learning in this time is to allow myself to be cared for. I have spent the last decade of my life caring for others. It is who I am. I thrive when put in difficult situations, loving the helpless, serving the "least of these". It is the life of ministry - especially to orphans and vulnerable children. On my most stressful days, I have always found joy in taking food to the starving children in the street, or taking medicine to clean their wounds, a needle and thread to mend their tattered clothing. I am a servant... I want to be a servant. How difficult it is for a servant to accept the service of others. It is hard to accept the care of others. But what a tremendous blessing it is to be cared for. I am thankful for all of the children who accept my care.
I am left to reflect on the satisfaction and value I feel when caring for others. To try and maintain control is to deprive others of the joy of serving. My husband has not complained once about the added demands to his life this past few weeks. By my giving up control and acknowledging my weakened state, he gets to experience the joy of caring for me. There will be a day when I can walk again without any pain - I will be able to carry baby Joseph, I will be able to make bricks and build cow sheds, plant seeds in my garden, cook and clean and... heck, even get dressed without help. But that time is not yet here.
Each day I choose to give up control or at least my perceived control... obviously I am not the boss of things - this accident demonstrates all to clearly that I was not in control. But as humans we love to cling to the idea of control. Life takes us on many journeys that we would not always have planned to take. But there are lessons to be learned, and joys to be had on those paths. We must open our eyes and put down our stubborn ways so that we can be fed and cared for in each season of our lives. So today I give up my control. And tomorrow I pray to do the same.
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